I don't know.  There are a lot of confusion going on in my life right now and I don't know what to make of it.  I usually just ignore it but things start to stick out and puzzle me after awhile, ya know?  What is a girl like me to do?  When my curious nature is released, there is no way that you are going to be able to rein it back in until I have found whatever it is that I am wanting.  But then again, in certain cases it is best to just let the confusion pass and I can just ponder its meaning to myself later.  When I am alone.  And happy.  And content.  Like right now....  Funny how this all seems to be working out for me.  Funny because it is my life and I like to see it all working out.

Nighty Night World!

Moody Much?: curious

Okay, so I am doing better tonight.  Robert and I are fine.  I apologized even though I really didn't have to.  I got to be held, which made me feel a whole lot better.  I got to hold him.  And things were just better.  There is still a little tension between us but the time that we spent not talking to each other did us some good.  But, I still have other things to stress about.  Like my parents and school and now I am almost able to be driving.  I just need to go to the driving school for behind the wheel and then I can be driving with my mom or dad or any other adult who will let me drive.  Grandpa is going to be putting me to use.  He has been having me drive him already so now he is just going to have a field day.  Which I am okay with.  I am very comfortable driving my grandpa.  My mom makes me nervous.  Grandma S. is nervous enough for the whole world the few times she has let me drive down the road.  Okay, maybe I am just having horrible mood-swings because I don't feel so bad right now but last night I was going to cry and hit things and was just so stressed out.  I don't know what is wrong with me.  Well, there are a lot of things but it's hard to just pinpoint one over another.  I don't know.  I don't know.  What I do know is that I want to be with Robert right now.  Not that I am complaining but he held on to me at the end of school.  And of course, me being me, cut it all short when I was in heaven and he needed that I am guessing.  I could have just lived in that moment forever.  Just hanging on to him and having him hold onto me.  But I am always so scared that a teacher is going to walk around the corner and we are going to get into trouble or some such thing.  That's why I pull away from him so much.  Not because I don't love him but because I have a huge fear of being in trouble.  I hate it.  But that's who I am.  And I don't think that Robert fully understood what I told him in the email that I had sent that put so much tension between us so I had to recap a few things.  That's alright.  I just hope he understands now.  I actually want to know how he feels about some things but I don't want to push it.  I am just going to let things be for awhile.  I need to let things be.  Just need to step back and be me.  *sigh*  I want to be with him so much right now.  And that is a problem.  I feel alone.  I can be surrounded by people and still feel rejected all because I don't have my other half.  Right now, I have my family all in the house and my dog sleeping beside me but all I can think about is having Robert beside me too and then I could fall asleep.  I feel so restless.  I can't get any sleep.  But I need to try.  Robert, and just the trying day of school, will get after me if I don't.

...
...
...

I miss him.





OH!  I almost forgot to mention on here at all and then I would had felt horrible.  Fuzz died on the 9th, I believe it was.  I love her and miss her deeply.  That is a source for a lot of my pain here recently.

Anyways, good night world.

Moody Much?: lonely

I can't do this to myself.  I am so miserable it's not even funny.  I need someone to talk to.  An adult.  I need to talk.  I can't just keep sitting around like this.  I need something to do.  I need to go places.  I need to see people.  I need to get out.  I can't just stay at home or school all the time.  I need to be able to do things with my friends and my boyfriend and have my parents trust that I am not going to do anything that they are not going to like.  Gosh, I can hardly live with myself at the moment because of an email that I sent Robert that said way too much.  I just want to get out.  I want to be free.  I want to be able to live.  I don't want my life to be decided for me.  I want to be able to make my own decisions and I want to be able to go out and have fun and not have to worry about whether or not I am going to be killed when I get home.  I feel like my parents did stuff when they were younger that they don't want me to repeat and for that reason I am being kept away from everything.  Now, that is an unfair statement and I know it.  I really don't have a bad life.  But I feel so alone and attacked at the moment.  I don't want to be here and I don't want to have to put up with all of it.  I just want to get out.  I want to have fun.  I want to be able to go out and have fun and not have to watch all my friends be happy while secretly dying on the inside myself.  I don't want that.  I want so much that I know I am not going to get so why even bother?  My parents aren't going to relax about me being with Robert, Robert it always going to stress, I am going to get to watch my best friend get married this fall, I am going to go to school, I am going to be either at school or home or with my parents and never anywhere else.  I am not going to get my fairytale ending to all this.  I am not going to get the life that I once dreamed of.  I am not the same person that I was this time last year.  And that kinda stinks.  But at the same time, I am growing up and that requires change.  See?  This all stinks.  And yet, as upset as I am, I want to be with Robert right now.  I want him to understand what I am going through.  It's not easy.  I just don't understand.  I want him to though.  I want him to be able to look at me and to listen to what I am saying and get that I am stressed and out of my mind and just need him to calm me down.  He can do that for me, he just doesn't believe it.  Or something.  I don't know what is going through his head these days.  He won't really talk to me about it.  He just says that he is stressed about life and leaves it at that.  But he's always asking me what is up and calling me a liar when I say nothing is wrong.  Well, he is correct about that.  But he also gets mad when I tell him how I am feeling and I put detail into it and it's not good.   I couldn't help it!  I am so stressed I need someone to talk to.  That is why I need to go to school tomorrow.  I need help.  I need someone who is trained to listen to me to help me and keep me from doing anything stupid.  Not saying that I would but all the same.  I am so lost and confused and hurt that I need help and the only place that I can get that is by talking to adults at school.  I would prefer to talk to that counslor but I know that she is not going to be at school until next week so I need to talk to our school counslor or the principal.  Or one of my teachers.  I know one that I trust enough to talk to.  I know that I could talk to any of my teachers because I go to a  school like that but there is one that is high on my list.  I don't know....  Talking about it  has helped me right now but it's not enough.  I still have a lot to say but I need a person to talk to tell me what I should do or how to cope and to calm me down and to just listen and understand.  Well actually, they don't even have to understand as long as they nod their head in all the right places and pretend to understand.  Even that would work for me.

Moody Much?: distressed

Since when am I allowed to be so happy? I am happy, in love and I am going insane. I know that this is going to sound weird, but I just am so happy I wouldn't care if I died tomorrow because I'd be dying happy. Okay, actually, I'd have a fit after an hour of death because then it'd dawn on me that I didn't get to get married or have kids or any of the other items on my must do before I die list. That, and Robert would probably be cursing my name. That I wouldn't doubt one bit. Not at all. Ah. Robert. I love him so much. I just can't believe it sometimes. It's weird. Sometimes, I feel like we just don't click. Then, I actually look at him instead of stewing over little things and I realize that the reason I was stewing in the first place was because he probably proved me wrong or something or ..... something. I don't know. He completes me I guess. We are alike and different and it somehow works out right. At least I feel so. I can't always tell how he feels. He can have very bad mood swings. Even worse than me when I am on my period. It's both funny and sigh worthy. Funny because he is, as my grandpa would say, worse than a female but sigh worthy because that means I have to keep on my toes and he can go from playful to cranky in the blink of an eye. That's frustrating. I can understand why but it still can be annoying now and then. I want him to be able to talk to me about things but I don't want the swing so instant. Him and I both complain about what little time we have together and how we both hate it when it is wasted. Yeah. That is a big problem. I hate how we have so little time together. I miss being able to see him outside of school. Being able to hug him without worry. Well, I can do that now but it's a little awkward still. But only because I still feel funny because of my parents, not him. I love him. I really do.

Moody Much?: giggly

Tomorrow, people are going to see a side of me that they never wished they had brought about.  I mean it.  If people thought I was goodie-good before, they are about to get a wake up call.

Moody Much?: enraged

I love him

But I also want to take him, chain him to a wall, and keep him from joining the National Guard. 

I know I know...  I should be proud of him.  And I am.  But at the same time, I just don't like the idea.  I do but I don't, you know?  I am proud of him.  Proud that he is wanting to do something that will be good for him.  It will be different, difficult but also really good for him.  But that also means that I will, again, have to learn to get on without him.  I know that's not the only concern I have.  I don't know.  He says that he is going to go ahead and do this but I don't know.  A large part of me wishes that he will follow through and do it and a small part wishes he would just not.  It's kinda selfish but oh well.

And right now, I am not the happiest person on earth.  I am trying to contact him.  I told him that I would be on really late.  He said okay.  I am here, I have been here for an hour and continually messaging him.  But he's not answering me.  I messaged his phone and he gave me a single message back, 'Yellow', and now he won't reply.  I am getting upset.  It's totally unreasonable but true.  I am ready to cry.  I don't have that much time I can spend on here and he's online and had his phone but now, nothing.  And I don't see a point in messaging him without any results so why should I even bother?

Moody Much?: gloomy

It's been a little while since I posted in here.  No surprise.  So, let me catch you up on what's happening in my life.  Hmmmm......   Robert broke up with me in November, November fifth to be exact, because my parents were threatening to pull me out of school if I didn't stop seeing him.  And him, being who he is, didn't want me to leave and didn't want to have to give me up.  But he did what he thought was right and would stop my parents from moving me away.  He broke up with me.  I was crushed.  It still hurts to think about it.  The betrayal and hurt and loss and everything.  Gah.  But then, it gets better.  He started dating another girl.  No one I knew, but still.  We hadn't even been apart for two weeks.  I came to school after that weekend and he said he wasn't going to kiss me because he had a new girlfriend.  Actually, he showed me a picture and that was how he told me.  I was hurt even more.  He could have just started slapping me and it would have hurt less.  But no, and I couldn't do a thing about it.  And he had a hard time understanding why I was acting the way I was.  Why I was so distant.  Why I was so mad and angry.  Funny.  And that was the hardest time for me.  I felt like if I looked at him wrong I was going to be eaten alive by this mysterious girl.  But anyways, they broke up for a short period of time and I was comfortable around him again.  Then they got back together and I went back to staying away.  He was getting mad at me for it but I don't care.  He was killing me.  And the sad part was that he knew it.  He told me he understod that he broke my heart.  This was while he was in the other relationship.  He was getting stressed out being with her.  He told me that he understood but had thought that we had agreed to date other people until it was safe for us to get back together.  That he still loved me  but it wasn't safe for us to be together.  Oh, and he would leave her in an instant if we had a chance to be back together.  I don't know how many times I cried.  But towards the end, there was a time.  It was like a click for me at least.  Him and I were horsing around, playing, tickling just having ourselves a grand ole time.  Well, at one point, he had both of my hands in one of his and he was reaching around behind me to get my far side since I was protecting the one closest to him.  We both happened to look up at the same time and into each others eyes.  We were really close too.  And it was just a click and a spark.  Everything was okay and very wrong at the same time.  The playing was ceased right then and there because we were too busy holding onto each other.  It was bittersweet.  I both love and hate that memory.  Love it more so though.  That weekend he broke up with his girlfriend.  Well, that Friday, after I had fainted after giving blood, I had met a guy and he was seeming interested.  Monday, he was giving me a very enthusastic hug right in front of Robert.  I saw tensing and immediantly took Robert aside to explain everything to him.  I reminded him that he said it was my choice if I wanted to date again and that he had done it and that he had said before that he would be fine if I dated another guy.  HeHeHe....  It was beautiful, I'm ashamed to say.  I was tickled pink by his reaction, I was so pleased.  He said that he changed his mind.  He didn't want me to date anyone else and he wouldn't be okay with it if I did.  He was very upset that I might be dating another guy.  Though the part about him saying that he would not come back to visit because he would want to knock another guy out if he ever saw him with me upset me, I was still pleased.  That was enough to convince me that he really did love me.  To say the least, things played out as they should.  But that's another thing.  Robert is leaving the school.  I'm not happy about that one.  I think he'll be back.  But I can't count on anything.  The only thing I can is that I will at least see him on his birthday.  I just hope that he doesn't get himself into trouble in the meantime.  I don't want anything to  happen to him.

Moody Much?: depressed

I forgive him for everything.

I didn't mean to.  I was taking my punishment that I knew was coming because I chose not to finish the poem sometime during the day.  He didn't have to say a single word.  But he did.  In fact, he slapped him hands down on the table and had the whole "I told you so" voice and was chewing me out.  That set me off.  I snapped big time.  I didn't mean to.  I really shouldn't have.  But I did.  I would have kept going to.  But I think somewhere in the snarling I told him to go away and not to talk to me.  More or less.  I was fuming.  Thinking about it makes me mad.  I get why he did that but he really shouldn't have.  One - I'm PMSing and he knows that.  Two - He was a real jerk about it. Three - He's kinda been a jerk in general this past week and I was really getting tired of it.

I get that he's having troubles at home.  Got that.  OKay.  But I don't want him taking it out on me.  I'll listen if he needs an ear to yack at but I will not be yelled at or see my friends yelled at because he's upset with something that has nothing to do with us.  I don't want him trying to make it up to me.  I just want him to be himself and not yelling or making threats.  I want the guy I know is in there to show more and let things be.  That's what I want.  Being sorry is all fine and dandy but it doesn't change anything.  Not until he realizes what all he's done.  It makes me not want to forgive him.  I want him to realize what he's done and doing. 

*sigh* 

I don't know.  I just don't know...

Moody Much?: aggravated

Right?  I refuse to fear the future.  There's no point.  Things will happen whether I want them to or not.  I'm not moving to Florida.  I get to stay home for x amount of time.  Which means I will have Vicki to back me when needed.  I have a few years of marraige with Robert before he starts trucking.  But still.  I'm worried.  I don't know what to do.  What do you do?  I want him to do something he's going to enjoy.  Now, him now planning not to go to college, that's a bunch of bolney and I can't believe him.  But I won't get onto that.  I'm still going to try and manage it.  Even if I end up stressing.

I don't know.  I'm just confused about the whole thing.  I want him around and I don't want to feel alone and abandoned.  I don't think he gets that.  Him doing trucking will be scary.  I don't know where he'll be and when.  I may or may not get to see him often.  What about kids?  What then?  If he does that, I probably won't have any.  Kk, now that I had a few minutes of no typing, I think that was just Aunt Flow talking.  I want kids, so does he.  I just want to start having then a few years sooner than he does.  That's fine.  I'll agree to 24.  Hear that Robert?  24-28.  No exceptions.

Muahahahahahahahah......  So....  I'm watching the little mermaid right now.  The movie from which I got my name.  And I started to giggle.  I'm the same age as Ariel in the movie.  She got away with marriage at 16.  Does that mean I am able to have the forbidden love like she did?  She had a happy ending.  I want one.  We share the same name.  We're the same age.  Yup.  I think it means that Robert and I will survive and live when all is said and done.

Oh, and I did the US states.  All 50 of then.  No wrong.  Huzzah!  I ish so happy.  Took me awhile but I finally got it.  I had an oops moment earlier when I put Hawaii in Alaska.  That was bad.

Moody Much?: depressed

I'm not going to re-type everything I had before so I will continue on.

ONLY FOUR DAYS EVERY TWO WEEKS!?!?!?!?!??!?!   No!  No NO no no nonononononononononono.......  That's too unbearable.  I don't want him to change his mind about it but I just can't handle the thought right now of fighting so hard to have him and then yeah, get married, but what then?  We get married and then he takes off for two weeks?  That's not what I had in mind for the first days or week of my marriage.  Not at all.  Okay, now I'm thinking.  There's always the option of going with him.  I know that.  But that's a lot of traveling and I like to travel but that' would take it's toll on me.  He has to be able to take me in the first place.  We could do it as a team.  That's not what I want to do with my life.  Could not marry him.  That's not an option.  I love him, he loves me, he's my other half.  No way no how.  I stay home while he's away.  I'll worry and panic and be alone and frankly, unless I was somewhere I was comfortable, I would end up being a shell when he got home.  That's another thing.  He wants to go to Florida.  That means, unless he's not telling me something, I'm going to end up living in the city by myself.  I don't like that idea.  I wouldn't know anyone.  I don't like cities.  *whimper*  Oh, and he doesn't want me to take my animals?  Yeah, if I'm staying home alone that often, I'm bringing my animals whether he likes it or not.  Dot may die soon but Fuzz, Pooka and Koda still have plenty of years.

So much for him being the first and last person I see everyday.  I'm going to be spending a lot of time alone.  Great.  I don't want to team because I'm not interested and I don't want to be on the road all the time. 

Because I know he's going to end up seeing this...  Robert, please do me one thing at least?  Give me a week of actually living together before you start running.  I want some normalcy in my life.  I'm putting everything on the line for you.  At least give me seven real days.  Please.  I'll get on my knees and beg if that's what it takes.

Oh, and Vicki!  LOL  *happiness*  Congrats.  That's all I say for now.

Moody Much?: downhearted

OKay, here we go.  It wasn't about the peach.  I couldn't get him to understand that.  He can be sorry all he wants.  He took the peach.  I wanted it back.  I told him to give it back.  He kept it away from me but said I would get it back.  And you know what?  I didn't!  Why?  Because he ate the stupid thing.  That's what has me so upset.  He could have just asked.  That's all I ask.  That he gives me just that little bit.  I wouldn't have been so upset.  If he had told me that he wanted it, I could have given it to him.  I don't always like him stealing my stuff.  He doesn't get that.  Sometimes, yeah, it's fine.  Othertimes, I will get really upset.  Today, I forgave him.  I probably will always forgive him.  But that doesn't mean that I want him to take advantage of that.  GAH!  I"m still kinda mad about the whole thing.  I wish I wasn't.  I hate being mad.  Especially at him.  But I can't help it.  I just want him to understand but I don't think he will.  I don't know.  I need sleep.  I haven't been getting enough.  And he asks what secrets I am now keeping from him?  The answer is that I keep things to myself when I don't want him to worry his head off about me.  I don't care if, well okay I do, he thinks he needs to know everything about me and always know what's up.  I know that he sometimes wants to and that he really wants to know what's going on but I can't always tell him.  I've spent too long having to keep everything to myself.  He got me to open up more last year but this summer that all went out the door.  I can't talk again.  I don't know how to anymore.  He's not going to believe me on that one but he needs to.  I mean, He doesn't open up completely for me.  Both of us know that.  But something I do know is that some things are just better kept to myself.  I haven't talked to anyone in awhile.  It's because I'm so ugh right now that I don't feel social.  I just want to crawl into a corner and cry.  Probably not the best thing to put in here but I don't care.  I just want to cry.  That's all I want to do.  I can't very well do it here and I would rather cry and have him comfort me but that can't happen.  I refuse to cry at school again.  I never want to cry in front of him again.  I never wanted him to see me cry.  No.  Bad.  Very very bad.  Not good.  I don't want him to see me cry but I don't want anyone to comfort me but him.  Odd but not.  *ish depressed*  I want him with me.  Am I 18 yet?  *sigh*  Although, if I think that living with him will be better, I know I'm crazy.  I love him.  Never doubt that.  But I know that living together will be a whole new jungle.  It will be more stressful after awhile and a huge responsiblity.  *imagines cuddling up to him*  That's my life.  I want him but can't have him.  GRRR.....   

I'm going to go and do homework. 

Moody Much?: depressed

If an asteroid was to fall out of the sky and hit me, killing me instantly, I don't think I would mind all that terribly.  The only thing I would regret is the people I leave behind.  But yeah.  Arron is now going going going going going GONE.  No!  NO NO NO NO NO!!!  No No NO!!  No!  I will scream for hours.  This isn't right.  I don't want anything to happen to him.  He's my protector.  The big brother I have never had.  I think that may be a reason I was able to bond with him so well.  You know, I kinda wanted a big protective brother.  I think it would be so cool to have one.  Yeah, annoying at times but cool.  Arron provided that.  He took to looking out for me my freshman year.  He hackled Robert last year.  NOW HE'S LEAVING.  I don't want him to.  And you know what, I was doing fine with the knowledge until today.  I got to see him.  I got to go and give him a hug.  I got to tell him that I was going to take my pen and shove it through his eye and lodge it in his eye and let him die a long, painful death and I was going to drag it out as much as possible.  Yup.  I was fine.  I was a bit hysterical, but okay.  Talked to him a bit and then we parted ways when he said that he needed to go pick up his sweetheart.  Still okay.  Well, he came back and gave me the necklace he was wearing.  That did it.  I broke down into tears.  lol?  I'm crying again.  I keep doing this.  Every time I even think about it I start crying now.  He leaves tomorrow.

Okay, I'm alright.  Part of the emotional overload had to do with the fact that my life isn't the best right now.  I'm in a secret relationship, my great-grandma is bascially dying, as well as my great aunt, Ryker did die, I'm extremely sore from riding and I have to ride again tonight, I still miss Robert even though he's by my side, Arron is going into the army, and yeah....  I'm just horrible right now.  I don't want to write anymore.  It's taken me forever to write this even.  So bye.






Robert, I love you and I'm sorry.

Moody Much?: distressed

*head sitting on desk*

I miss him.  I want to be able to converse with him again. 

Somebody shoot me.

Not literal.

But still.

lalalalala....

I think I'm going to go now.  I have no reason to be on.  He's obviously not online.

Moody Much?: blah

OKay, so I was a CBox stalker today.  Fun.  Well, I'm still stalking the stupid thing it's it's kinda making me upset.  Robert is comping.  I did not know that.  It would explain why I am unable to receive a message from him.  But it doesn't make me feel any better.  Why?  In the CBox, we have the gals talking about their guys and kissing and all that stuff....  Things I'm not allowed to be open about because I will end up dead if my parents find out.  This is so unfair!  GAH!  I miss him so much.  I want to talk to him.  I need to hear his voice and just him talking to me and telling me everything is going to work out fine.  I need him.  I need him so badly.  It's not even funny.  Why why why why why!  *tears*  This is not right!  I'm not going to make it this last week.  11 days is all I have to survive and I'm not going to be able to do it.  I'm already going insane!  I miss him way to much.  I can't talk to him, I can't IM him.  I can't email him.  I'm not allowed to contact him!  Do you know how frustrating that is!  I'm going insane.  I listened to the voicemail from him twice last night.  I listened to a total of three of them.  I keep running around and finding things that are connected to him.  I wore the ring last night while I was still awake.  I took it off before I feel asleep.  Stormie and I were tlaking about him.  I was so happy to be talking about him but at the same time it is just making me more and more depressed!  I don't feel up to doing anything.  I know there are a dozen things that I need to be doing at the moment but I just can't bring myself to do it.  I give myself another hour before I have to begin the torture.  I want Robert.  Got that?  I want him around again.  I don't care what anyone thinks of that.  I want to be with him right now.  I want to be able to hug him tightly.  GAHHAGAHAGAHAGAAHGGAHAHAGAAGAGGAHAHAHGGGAHAHAAGAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  *hits desk*  I can't fricken' take this any longer!  I'm going insane.  So insane it's not even funny.  Vicki, Robert, if either of you reads this, know that I am not happy right now and I am mad and I am going to be fine.  I want to just shut down.  I want to shut down and stay like that for at least 10 days.  Why?  Because then I go back to school.  Camping is not going to be all that fun this year.  I'm going to have fun but I'm going to be depressed on my down time.  I get two new books tomorrow.  One being Breaking Dawn.  The other is called Rumors.  They aren't going to last me.  I'm going to be taking them down to be beach and reading those when I'm not looking for agates.  Then reading back at camp.  Reading on the way over there.  Reading in the evenings.  Yeah, my books aren't going to last me long.  Afterwords, I'll write for my story but on the long term, I'm going to secretly mope and think about Robert.  I know I am going to.  How can I not?  I already think about him all the time.  When I have down time, more so.  And then when I'm going to bed, hey!  I think about him more.  How nice...  I can't get the guy out of my head.  I wouldn't be complaining if I actually got to see and hug and kiss and just be with him.  As I told Stormie, I don't know how the first day of school is going to go.  I don't know if I'm going to be all loving and throwing myself on him.  Or hiding in my little spot.  Or elsewhere.  I don't know.  I just don't know.  The other option I see in my head now and then is me hugging him but crying because of everything.  I don't want to do that to him.  That would just make him worry.  Then again, he's already worrying.  Ha.  Hahahahahaha....  I really hope that he's enjoying camping.  It's good that he's taking a break.  He needs it.  If I could talk to him right now, I would tell him what's on my mind.  That he needs to stop and smell the roses more.  He's still a kid, whether he likes it or not.  Yes, he's a teenager but that's still a kid.  Not a child.  A kid.  He can make allowances on how much he has to grow up at the moment.  He chooses not too.  I shouldn't be saying all this but it kills me inside to see him stressing and unhappy.  It just hurts.  I want him to be happy.  I want him to live his life.  I don't know I don't know I don't know!  I'm just so flustered at the moment.  I want to hear from him but I have no clue when that will be.

He's home!  He's home he's home he's home he's home....  I love him I love him I love him.  He has me checking the website and gmail and yahoo and everywhere else that I can think of that I might be able to contact him at.  This is so so so sad.  It souldn't be like this.  I want to be able to just talk to him.  I don't want to have to be here and be just hoping for a chance to tell him that I'm sorry.  You have no idea how much my heart leapt when I saw that he had finally replied to my emails.  Yeah, before I founf out that he was camping, I thought that he was mad at me or something and wasn't going to talk to me.  I was scared.  I admit it.  I was really really scared.  I'm glad that he is talking to me.  It's a relief.  I don't know what I would do if he wasn't talking to me.  I would be....  really really lost.  I don't know.  Maybe I need to step back.  I told Storm how I was feeling last night but when she asked me to explain my feelings...  I couldn't.  Everything sounded lame to me and didn't make any sense.  Alright.  What I do know is that I have no problem getting all confused or upset.  Things are so out of control.  I want control again in my life.  Two years.  Two years and then I can start to relax.

Moody Much?: *shutting down*

What is the secret of true love?

The secret to true love as opposed to sexual love is to under stand that it is unconditional, if you love some one or something you must love it warts and all, otherwise it's conditional love. a dog can spend its life being mistreated and still welcome its master. That is true love.

Before we can discuss the secret to true love, you must understand that true love is a gift that has to be valued and nourished. It's not something that you find one day like a beautiful seashell on a beach and put it up somewhere to be admired. True love is a part of life that has a life of its own. Value and nourish it, and it will grow and become deeper and more valuable. Find it, give it no value and forget to nourish it, and it will die. Simple as that.

The first secret to true love is knowing when you have found the love of your life, your other half, the one who is more important to you than even yourself, the one your entire being tells you is the one for you. That may happen one day when you look across a room and meet the eyes of her or him, your eyes lock and your heart jumps, and the eyes you are looking into tell you that the same is happening on the other side of that gaze. It could also happen when you are out with someone that you have dated casually for months, but never really felt much of anything for. Suddenly, one night, your heart could leap as your eyes meet or your lips touch. Knowing you have found true love might be just a quiet knowing that the person is the one for you. It happens differently for different people.

After meeting your true love, the secret to keeping the love alive is to unselfishly put the other person before yourself and communicate with that person in a positive and open manner. Many great relationships have lost their pizazz due to mistakes of one or both becoming selfish and not communicating with the other. Even those who have found their true loves have lost them because of the hurt and disappointment caused when the love of your life's actions and words say "you don't matter," "I'm for me first," and similar things.

When two people find true love and each puts the other's hopes, dreams, desires, and feelings above their own and communicates in such a way as to build the other up and share their innermost thoughts, beautiful things happen! The true love that was found grows into something more beautiful than a rose, deeper than the deepest ocean, and stronger than anything imaginable. Anything less than being unselfish, putting the other before yourself, and great communication and it's tough for even true love to survive.

Moody Much?: gloomy